The Beautiful Art of Letting Go

We live in a fallen world. That means we cannot escape offense. You will offend and be offended in the course of your interactions with others.

This makes forgiveness which is the tool God gave us to process offense without letting it slide into bitterness and resentment a very important thing.

As beautiful as it is, forgiving is hard. It’s even harder when you are called upon to forgive a repeat offender, a deliberate offender, or someone who does not even care to seek forgiveness and make things right.

But we have no choice but to forgive. Not just because God asks us to but it’s also the right thing to do to live the life Christ envisioned for us.

Forgiveness may be hard and costly but unforgiveness is harder and costlier.

In the spirit of counting the cost, we will be answering a couple of questions about this all-important art of letting go.  

The Parable of the Unmerciful Servant (Matthew 18:21-35) helps us answer these pertinent questions.  

Let’s roll.

Why forgive?

First things first, why do we need to forgive?

There are many reasons but let’s highlight three.

1. We are all products of forgiveness

We tend to gloss over our actions that offend others and magnify how people offend us. Call it the blinding effect of self-centeredness.

As mentioned though, no matter how careful you are, you cannot escape offense. You will offend others and they will offend you.

Therefore, just as you wish or expect other people to forgive you when you offend them, when it’s your turn, return the favor.

Be ready to extend forgiveness. 

The best way to avoid carrying grudges is to issue blank cheques of forgiveness. Now that it is given that people will offend you, forgive them in advance.

If you do so, when offense comes, you won’t struggle to forgive.

On a grander scale, God Has forgiven us big.

In the parable, the king (who pictures God) forgave the servant a bigger debt and expected him to forgive the fellow servant who owed him less. 

Yahweh Has forgiven us of our greater debt of sin and expects us to forgive fellow human beings of the comparatively little things they do to us (Matthew 6:12-15/ Colossians 3:13/ Ephesians 4:32).

We are products of forgiveness. God Has forgiven us. And so have our fellow men. We can only reciprocate and forgive others in reverence to God.

We cannot not forgive.

2. Unforgiveness jails you.

When the king learned that the servant he had just forgiven would not forgive another servant who owed him less, he threw him in jail.

Not forgiving may not land you in a physical prison like the unforgiving servant but certainly, it will imprison you internally.

Sadly, there are many imprisoned people roaming our streets today. Outwardly they may appear normal but they are in turmoil internally.

Holding grudges and hatred weighs down on the holder emotionally. Like a dark cloud, it veils the person’s life making it darkness all around them. It blurs joy and peace.

Simply, it sucks the life out of one’s life leaving them a shell of themselves. Such a life is so limiting.

Moreover, holding a grudge doubles your load in life. In addition to your issues, you end up carrying the other person.

You have enough on your plate friend, don’t take another load.

Release. Forgive.

When you forgive and let go, you will discover that you were the prisoner.

Don’t be a prisoner to unforgiveness and its effects.

Free yourself.

3. Unforgiveness worsens things

A wound that is constantly disturbed never heals. In fact, it worsens.

That’s exactly what holding a grudge does.

See, when someone offends you, your heart is bruised. Forgiving patches up the wound and sets you on the path of healing.  

Not forgiving, on the other hand, leaves the bruise unhealed. And every time the person who hurt you or the hurt comes to mind, it pokes the wound disturbing it. The grudge holder remains in that hurting state for long, if not degenerate into a worse state.

No one can predict what a hurting heart can do.

Brooding over hurt breeds revenge. The more one mulls over hurt the angrier they get and they may end up seeking revenge.

Yet revenge worsens things (Matthew 5:38-42).

Avenging an eye for an eye, won’t restore your eyesight, you just end up with two blind people. And so it is with avenging a tooth.

Revenge doesn’t deliver the joy or satisfaction it promises. It will only leave you feeling emptier and angrier.

Forgive and let God deal with the person as He so wishes

How do I forgive?

I know I need to forgive but how exactly do I do it? Having seen the importance of forgiving, let’s now talk about how to go about forgiving.  

Three things.

1. Decide to

Forgiving is a decision, not a feeling.

Many people think that they need to wait until they feel like it to forgive. Well, if you take that approach, you may be waiting forever.

Seldom do we feel like forgiving especially when hurt where it matters.

And you will not always feel like doing the right thing but you do it anyway because you know it is the right thing to do.

Bypass the feelings with reason. Decide to forgive and let feelings catch up if they wish. 

2. Lean on God

Most of us are caught up in the cycle of unforgiveness because we depend on ourselves. So, when we don’t feel like forgiving we conclude we cannot forgive.

That’s a problem.

Forgiving is hard. If you go about it by your strength, you are bound to fail.

Lean on God. You can only forgive by God’s strength, not your own.

Once you have decided to forgive, pray to God to give you the strength and grace to do it.

That way you lean on God’s infinite strength, not your limited human strength.

Lean on God, not yourself.  

3. Pray for the offender

Once you have prayed for yourself and trusted God to give you the grace to forgive, pray for your offender.

What!

Yes, you heard that well.

Pray for them.

And by praying I don’t mean calling all imaginable curses over them.

That’s too cheap.

Pray for them as you would a dear friend. Pray blessings and good things over them.

That’s the love for enemies Jesus talked about in the sermon on the mount (Matthew 5:43-48).

If you only love those who love you and hate those who hate you, you are no different than a non-believer. We show we are sons of God when we love our enemies and pray for those who persecute us.  

Granted, it will be hard and feel weird initially, but it gets easier with time.

If you persist, you will discover one thing.

You cannot pray for someone and hate them at the same time.

Never.

As you surrender to God in prayer He will work on your heart and the hate, anger, bitterness, you name it, will melt away.

Try and see it for yourself.

How many times should I forgive?  

Rarely is this question asked out loud but our reluctance when called to forgive a repeat offender suggests we may need a reminder.

The good thing is that Peter already asked this question for us which, by the way, is what triggered Jesus to give the parable.

Were they to go with the cultural standard and forgive up to seven times?

Jesus multiplies their standard seventy times.

No matter how petty or aggrieved one is, I doubt anyone can keep a record until the 490^th time.

That’s the point.

Don’t keep count. Forgive until you lose count.

The use of numbers seven or multiples of seven and ten is also instructive.  

In Bible numerical typology, the numbers seven and ten symbolize completion or perfection. God is exhorting us to forgive and forgive completely.

That way there will be no need to keep count for there will be nothing to hold on to as a reference for the next time someone seeks forgiveness.  

How do I know I have forgiven?

You will know you are well on the path to healing when you increasingly find it easier to pray for the person who offended you. That is, when you pray for them without the bad, aggressive feeling.

The day you pray for them and do not feel bad, you will know you have healed.

Moreover, our thoughts also give a glimpse of the state of our hearts.

You will know you have healed when the thought of your offender that once caused anger hinging towards revenge is replaced by good thoughts towards them.

Finally, words. Out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks (Luke 6:45).

Spewing bile about your offender is a sure show of a heart that hasn’t forgiven.  

Speaking well of your offender is an indicator of a healed heart.

Saint, when you can pray wellness for your offender, think and speak well of them, you will know you have forgiven.

Letting them off the hook?

So, if I forgive, am I not letting them go scot-free? Isn’t that giving them a license to continue hurting me or others?

It may appear so but it is not.

Nothing escapes God’s attention. El-Roi, the God who sees, sees it all. He is just too.

Leave vengeance to God (Romans 12:19).

As you leave them to God, don’t take the Jonah-like attitude. As Jonah preached to the people of Nineveh, all he wanted was for God to judge them. He had no space for grace.

We commit a similar error when we hide behind ‘leaving them to God’ and cross our fingers hoping that God would visit judgment and destruction upon the offender.  

That’s not God’s way.

Don’t recruit the sovereign God to carry out your selfish human agenda.

As you leave vengeance to God, leave room for grace. Just as you approach God when you have sinned expecting a gracious response, rejoice when He extends grace to others.

How soon?

In conclusion, forgiveness is a sign of strength, not weakness.

Forgiving is hard but living a life of unforgiveness is even harder.

And don’t mull over it for so long. Every minute you linger on it will make a mountain out of a molehill.

Forgive quickly (Ephesians 4:26).

Don’t even wait for the offender to apologize. It might unnecessarily prolong your anguish. Forgiveness is one-way traffic.

Forgive them and move on.

If the apology comes, let it find you going. If it never comes, you will continue with your life untethered.

Must forgiveness result in reconciliation?

Ideally it should but it doesn’t happen all the time.

Unlike forgiveness, reconciliation is a two-way traffic. If the other party is willing to work things out, good. Bless God and enjoy the restorative grace.  

If the other party is not willing, you can’t force it. Just do your part to forgive and move on.

The good thing is that after forgiving, you will be at peace and thrive in your space.

Don’t let unforgiveness hold you back in the past. Release and chart a new course.  

I finish with the words of the late Suzanne Somers: forgiveness is a gift you give yourself.

Relish the beauty in the art of letting go.

Unwrap that package and gift yourself. Forgive!